SIT HOME AND ROT OR LICK BOOTS?
Good news, lads! Good news. I just signed us all up for retraining and attitude readjustment courses at the Norman Vincent Peale Institute.
The news arm of my web host buys financial and economic pieces from a parasite industry, one which exists to leverage the desperation of others into profit. (Often they come from something called Forbes.com.)
How do they do this?
By selling an inexhaustible supply of puerile advice columns -- a few per week -- as well as books and seminars on how to find a job. All the more remarkable: There's still profit in it, like Fox News selling gold.
Joblessness and job-hunting are your new jobs. So get to them. Because if you don't you'll never move up into a job that actually pays a minimum wage. The competition is tough!
Why, just on Monday the LA Times ran a frontpage story about a young political science major who applied for 600 jobs and didn't get even one! So if a young guy like that can't get a job, what hope do you have? You should have applied for at least 1200 openings because the readership of this blog skews a lot older than 'college student', I can tell ya.
And not everyone can work in the newest resort of Handcuff USA -- Thomson, Illinois.
"[That] project is expected to bring 3,000 new jobs to an area with an 11.1% unemployment rate," writes USA Today.
You might not live in Illinois or even be able to move there to stand in-line with the 20,000 other people now queuing up. What then?
The parasite industry for finding jobs for the jobless has plenty of advice for you failures eachweak week. Hire a job coach even if you don't have money. Max the credit cards.
Get plastic surgery because surveys show personnel departments and managers don't like ugly, fat and old people.
"If you want to get [a job], you might want to throw on a pair of [fuck me] heels and suck in that [American fat man's] belly," one such column advised this week. "Your looks can help --or [utterly trash] -- your chances of getting [work], regardless of qualifications, especially in a sour economy ... "
"Being [large and fat] leads to negative stereotypes -- thinking that person is sloppy, lazy or slow [as well as dumb even if the interviewing manager doesn't look like he knows how to push away from the McDonalds menu], for example ...
Join a jobless anonymous group so you can hand out your phone number and e-mail address to others like you.
Join United Way so you can kiss a corporate boss's ring while you're helping implement his favorite charity.
And if you get that interview follow this advice for the expunging of mistakes commonly made. So you don't blow it.
Over-Explaining Why You Lost Your Last Job
No one wants to hear it. It's accepted wisdom it was because you needed purging after the economy was crashed by Wall Street. You can leave the interview now. We're through.
Conveying That You're Not Over It
During interviews, some people act wounded, angry or sad.
While these are normal expressions in such times you'll be assumed to be unstable and in bad mental health. Security has been called to escort you from the building. We're through now.
Lacking Humor, Warmth, or Personality
You need to take three courses, offered by our jobs retraining on-line institute: How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People -- designed by Stephen R. Covey, and Stay Alive All Your Life, based on the seminal work of Norman Vincent Peale.
Not Showing Enough Interest or Enthusiasm
See above.
Inadequate Research About a Potential Employer
It's essential to be up on the latest news so be sure to Google the name of the supermarket, shoe store or other big box service or retail place you're interviewing for. You should know the ticker value of Ralphs, for instance, and be prepared to cleverly drop that information while being interviewed for the job as a midnight re-stocker.
Or you could conversationally bring up that you'd just seen Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler and that you were dismayed and shocked by the scene in which he grumbled about wearing a hair net and then snapped out behind the deli counter, ruining an otherwise good movie.
Many applicants don't bother to do this and it shows. They don't get jobs.
Concentrating Too Much on What You Want
This is a hard one.
You need to concentrate on what the interviewer wants. But you can't read minds and it's going to be hard to get inside the thoughts and decision processes of the annoying cabbage subjecting you to the third degree. Listening carefully is crucial in steering the conversation toward how you would fit in at Ralphs, BestBuy or the new Internet website for cool and hip people. And being able to tell what you have to offer them is of tantamount importance. For example, you could say you've been working on accumulating 1 million followers on Twitter and that you'd bring that enthusiasm to the new Internet website for cool and hip people.
Trying to Be All Things to All People
Devote most of your effort to talking about what you know you do well. But it better have something to do with the job you're applying for at Ralphs, Wal-Mart or the new Internet website for cool and hip people. For example, if you liked devilling small animals when you were young, don't apply for work at a big box pet store. Or maybe you should because I've seen some dodgy people in them on occasion.
Winging the Interview
I often hear from the annoying cabbage who conduct interviews that candidates aren't ready to answer difficult questions. These human vegetables commonly make up stupid tests, allegedly to evaluate how you 'think on your feet,' like asking what you would do if you were at a Lakers game and a player crashed into your section. They then assume you're just a stupid cunt when you express confusion or say something too brief, normal and reflexive like, "I'd try to get out of the way."
So rehearse for senseless questions by coming up with irrational answers delivered in such a way that they sound strong, well thought out and decisive. Prepare and practice a 90-second verbal reply so that you're ready. Watching the evening news and memorizing the verbal style of pundits, politicians and the President could be helpful.
Failing to Set Yourself Apart From The Other500 600 Candidates
You have to set yourself apart from the500 1,323 other people who've applied for the job. I don't know what to tell you. It's almost blind luck here and you're fresh out. This interview is over.
And Never Fail to Ask For the Job
"You have a much better chance of getting the job if you ask for it," say job counselors. This is tricky. You have to create a spurt of pleasure in the interviewer, that orgasmic one people get when their boots are licked for alms. But you can't be perceived as doing it overtly.
Next week: The Ten Most Common Mistakes People Make When Begging for Aid
Good news, lads! Good news. I just signed us all up for retraining and attitude readjustment courses at the Norman Vincent Peale Institute.
The news arm of my web host buys financial and economic pieces from a parasite industry, one which exists to leverage the desperation of others into profit. (Often they come from something called Forbes.com.)
How do they do this?
By selling an inexhaustible supply of puerile advice columns -- a few per week -- as well as books and seminars on how to find a job. All the more remarkable: There's still profit in it, like Fox News selling gold.
Joblessness and job-hunting are your new jobs. So get to them. Because if you don't you'll never move up into a job that actually pays a minimum wage. The competition is tough!
Why, just on Monday the LA Times ran a frontpage story about a young political science major who applied for 600 jobs and didn't get even one! So if a young guy like that can't get a job, what hope do you have? You should have applied for at least 1200 openings because the readership of this blog skews a lot older than 'college student', I can tell ya.
And not everyone can work in the newest resort of Handcuff USA -- Thomson, Illinois.
"[That] project is expected to bring 3,000 new jobs to an area with an 11.1% unemployment rate," writes USA Today.
You might not live in Illinois or even be able to move there to stand in-line with the 20,000 other people now queuing up. What then?
The parasite industry for finding jobs for the jobless has plenty of advice for you failures each
Get plastic surgery because surveys show personnel departments and managers don't like ugly, fat and old people.
"If you want to get [a job], you might want to throw on a pair of [fuck me] heels and suck in that [American fat man's] belly," one such column advised this week. "Your looks can help --or [utterly trash] -- your chances of getting [work], regardless of qualifications, especially in a sour economy ... "
"Being [large and fat] leads to negative stereotypes -- thinking that person is sloppy, lazy or slow [as well as dumb even if the interviewing manager doesn't look like he knows how to push away from the McDonalds menu], for example ...
Join a jobless anonymous group so you can hand out your phone number and e-mail address to others like you.
Join United Way so you can kiss a corporate boss's ring while you're helping implement his favorite charity.
And if you get that interview follow this advice for the expunging of mistakes commonly made. So you don't blow it.
Over-Explaining Why You Lost Your Last Job
No one wants to hear it. It's accepted wisdom it was because you needed purging after the economy was crashed by Wall Street. You can leave the interview now. We're through.
Conveying That You're Not Over It
During interviews, some people act wounded, angry or sad.
While these are normal expressions in such times you'll be assumed to be unstable and in bad mental health. Security has been called to escort you from the building. We're through now.
Lacking Humor, Warmth, or Personality
You need to take three courses, offered by our jobs retraining on-line institute: How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People -- designed by Stephen R. Covey, and Stay Alive All Your Life, based on the seminal work of Norman Vincent Peale.
Not Showing Enough Interest or Enthusiasm
See above.
Inadequate Research About a Potential Employer
It's essential to be up on the latest news so be sure to Google the name of the supermarket, shoe store or other big box service or retail place you're interviewing for. You should know the ticker value of Ralphs, for instance, and be prepared to cleverly drop that information while being interviewed for the job as a midnight re-stocker.
Or you could conversationally bring up that you'd just seen Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler and that you were dismayed and shocked by the scene in which he grumbled about wearing a hair net and then snapped out behind the deli counter, ruining an otherwise good movie.
Many applicants don't bother to do this and it shows. They don't get jobs.
Concentrating Too Much on What You Want
This is a hard one.
You need to concentrate on what the interviewer wants. But you can't read minds and it's going to be hard to get inside the thoughts and decision processes of the annoying cabbage subjecting you to the third degree. Listening carefully is crucial in steering the conversation toward how you would fit in at Ralphs, BestBuy or the new Internet website for cool and hip people. And being able to tell what you have to offer them is of tantamount importance. For example, you could say you've been working on accumulating 1 million followers on Twitter and that you'd bring that enthusiasm to the new Internet website for cool and hip people.
Trying to Be All Things to All People
Devote most of your effort to talking about what you know you do well. But it better have something to do with the job you're applying for at Ralphs, Wal-Mart or the new Internet website for cool and hip people. For example, if you liked devilling small animals when you were young, don't apply for work at a big box pet store. Or maybe you should because I've seen some dodgy people in them on occasion.
Winging the Interview
I often hear from the annoying cabbage who conduct interviews that candidates aren't ready to answer difficult questions. These human vegetables commonly make up stupid tests, allegedly to evaluate how you 'think on your feet,' like asking what you would do if you were at a Lakers game and a player crashed into your section. They then assume you're just a stupid cunt when you express confusion or say something too brief, normal and reflexive like, "I'd try to get out of the way."
So rehearse for senseless questions by coming up with irrational answers delivered in such a way that they sound strong, well thought out and decisive. Prepare and practice a 90-second verbal reply so that you're ready. Watching the evening news and memorizing the verbal style of pundits, politicians and the President could be helpful.
Failing to Set Yourself Apart From The Other
You have to set yourself apart from the
And Never Fail to Ask For the Job
"You have a much better chance of getting the job if you ask for it," say job counselors. This is tricky. You have to create a spurt of pleasure in the interviewer, that orgasmic one people get when their boots are licked for alms. But you can't be perceived as doing it overtly.
Next week: The Ten Most Common Mistakes People Make When Begging for Aid
posted by George Smith at 7:44 AM
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