Tuesday, February 17, 2009

WEAK AND SMALL PEOPLE IN HOLDING CELLS USA

Tuesday's episode of Homeland Security USA on ABC was another successful show of stern American force. It's message: If you you aren't white, or can't speak English, are weak and small, or are from the Middle East -- we have holding cells and handcuffs ready for you. Or at least a kick in the pants and an admonishment to go away and never come back.

There was the obligatory segment of military hardware being used to track down poor people walking to America over the southern desert. Our military hardware -- the choppers, the night vision goggles, the infrared invisible pointing lasers, the ground-scanning radars -- really work good on them. Too bad they haven't worked so hot on that Osama bin Laden.

And then there were two Iraqis, who'd been living in Canada, coming in over the northern border in separate cars because ... the last time they'd tried to get in they'd been held for hours. These two men, who apparently had family members or friends already living in the USA, were detained. Because they were from Iraq and could be terrorists. You know they just don't like us in Iraq too much.

But it wasn't possible for the guards to prove the Iraqis were terrorists, only that some giant database said they had family members associated with terrorism. Everyone in Iraq probably knows a terrorist.

So the Iraqis were thought associates of terror. And sent back to Canada. Here, Canada! Take these associate terrorists, please! And one was forbidden to ever come to the United States again. Go away, associate of terror!

There was a crying woman who didn't speak English (and her child) handcuffed to a stanchion. Her baby wasn't cuffed. They probably wouldn't fit and it might look bad on TV.

There was one white kid, a student from MIT, determined to prove he could get through airport security in Pittsburgh without an ID. He wasn't put in a holding cell for hours or handcuffed. His pockets, however, were searched and gendarmes found his wallet with a driver's license in it. Actually, the kid appeared to have given his wallet to the officers. They sure make 'em bright at MIT. You know nobody's going to give him a tenure track job at Terror U. after he graduates.

No episode of Handcuff USA is complete without showing lots of hapless Mexicans, preferably small and weak-looking. The weakest and small Mexicans this week were two young friends on a shopping tour bus caught at the border. They were taken off the bus and put in a holding cell, along with a lot of other weak and small people who didn't speak English. They had bought a forged visiting shopper's day trip card (there apparently is such a thing). The weak and small guys, both named "Eric," were held for hours while whatever legitimate documentation they may have had was revoked. They were pretty good-natured about it. They got on TV!

Of course, there was a segment with an SUV full of marijuana being sniffed by a dog and then ripped open. Look at all the primo dope!

And then there was the mail room scanning machine guy, from Homeland Security, ripping open packages from Afghanistan because our soldiers like to send home cheap replicas of antique flintlock rifles. You know, the kind they used back around the time of the Revolutionary War. I think they were called blunderbusses.

You see, the Dept. of Homeland Security guy explained, terrorists might try to smuggle guns into the country from other places in the world. Because you know how hard it is to get guns in the United States of America.

1 Comments:

Blogger João o Ião said...

Really liked the punchline "You see, the Dept. of Homeland Security guy explained, terrorists might try to smuggle guns into the country from other places in the world. Because you know how hard it is to get guns in the United States of America" ;)

Or as they say at El Reg , mine's the one with the Uzi sticking out off the side pocket.

2:24 AM  

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