Wednesday, January 28, 2009

DETENTION, SEIZURE & HANDCUFF USA: ABC show still not canceled

DD remains astonished Homeland Security USA hasn't been marked for cancellation.

And he wonders what kind of polling or analysis went into its development, research which returned results indicating there was an appetite in primetime to see a weekly platoon of very poor brown-skinned people who can't speak English put into cells and holding vans or handcuffed to various pieces of office furniture.

Last night there was the drug mule (more on this later) handcuffed to a hospital gurney. And a crying young woman with a puffy face handcuffed to a wooden chair. Then there were the guys with their faces obscured by either a hood or camera blurring put into holding cells. One can always count on these things.

As for the drug mule, he was put in a special cell, one with a toilet and purifier especially made for homeland security purpose. If you have swallowed plastic-tape wrapped pellets of heroin in an effort to conceal them, the cell-jobjonny-machine combination is something made specifically for you. The mule is placed inside, handcuffing to the toilet optional, and excrement is collected over a few hours, with the machine removing the feces from the pellets so that the plastic-wrapped contraband can be analyzed.

You know that's just the greatest invention, perhaps equal to the cotton gin, something only can-do US ingenuity could come up with. People probably had to do this by hand for a long time! I bet the company that makes it was given a secret award by the Dept. of Homeland Security.

And did I mention that people try to smuggle drugs and money into the US and that our guardians dig the stuff out of hidden compartments in SUVs and cars? And that there will always be a clip of someone detained for no reason and that this will be explained as being a service for the detainee, so he doesn't get lost or something?

Did you know that no video on homeland security is complete without the showing of a Predator drone following a column of destitute Mexican men, women and children as they trudge across the Sonoran desert? Or that we have night vision equipment and they don't so we can sneak up on them, the easier to round 'em up and put 'em in vans?

Did you know that an array of little plastic chemical testing bags exists so that even those among us with only a high school education can do spot colorimetric testing for narcotics, sort of like assaying your backyard swimming pool for chlorine and pH? Hey, it's cocaine!

If you ask DD what work you should go into now that you've been fired and the economy is dead, it's the stuff which will get you on Homeland Security USA. Working the chemical test bags, tearing apart drug-smuggling vehicles at the border, and putting people in holding cells is depression proof, much like the business of staffing prisons. It needs manpower and it's a solid growth market.

Naturally, no terrorists are going to show up for Homeland Security USA unless the show's producers make them up. Last night, the most dangerous thing on Detention USA was the capture of a feral cat that had become trapped in a metal desk on an airport concourse. It could be dangerous to people during rush time, said someone. But cats that don't wish to be grabbed can put the average person in the emergency room and no amount of telling them to be quiet, to get down on the floor and submit works under these circumstances. The cat on Handcuff USA scratched and bit the living hell out of the fellow whose job it was to seize it. Yay, cat! Go down fighting!

Two weeks ago on Homeland Security USA.

The producer of Handcuff USA, Arnold Shapiro, still needs a stay in the Homeland Security-approved drug-separating and sanitizing toilet holding cell.


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