Friday, August 22, 2008


A survey has found that John McCain holds a commanding lead over Barack Obama in the race to become president — among Pennsylvania's pigeon-shooters.

Given that there are millions of hunters of voting age, and about five to ten percent of them may be pigeon-shooters, there’s some significance to the thinking that an extra half a million to a million votes nationally might swing a tight election. In Pennsylvania, a battleground state, a couple thousand pigeon-shooters and their spouses could easily be the hinge of history.

Many Americans consider hunting and, by extension, pigeon-shooting, part of their lifestyle. If you won't shoot a pigeon at point blank range with a shotgun, what kind of man are you?

Not one we want to share a case of beer with. Someone who wants to take away our shotguns and polishing boxes!

The survey, conducted by Braun Research, found that a hefty 90 percent of Pennsylvania's pigeon-shooters said they would vote for John McCain. The remaining ten percent preferred not to say, indicated they were concerned about privacy and the potential hazard of being prosecuted for felonious animal cruelty.

"I was ripping heads off winged pigeons when I was twelve," said Eldon Kutzman of the Southeastern Pennsylvania Association of Bird Polishers, the state trade group which paid for the poll. Dispatching maimed pigeons is a rite of passage for many young boys brought up within the tight and family-minded culture of pigeon-shooters.

"Now our members know John McCain would be right there with us, drinking and smoking and shooting birds for good fellowship and sport," continued Kutzman. "But that Barack Hussein Obama, he would be afraid to get some blood on his suit. And if he can't stand pigeon blood, how could we ever trust him in war?"

"Plus, I read in an e-mail that he wants to outlaw lead pellets."

The political tilt is unsurprising, since many serious pigeon-shooters are dickheads and that voting block has never been impressed by fancypants types, especially thin guys who don't have to struggle with obesity, alcoholism and heart disease in middle age.

No apologies to the Los Angeles Times.

Next week: Braun Research polls Rattlesnake baggers in Pennsylvania.


Anonymous Don said...

Great column and funny! The sad irony is that there are actualy
PA legislators that believe the 300 pigeon shooter actually make a voting block, so they are afraid to vote on the bill. So the shoots go on.....

8:51 PM  
Blogger Kyle said...

True enough, Dick! The die-hard people that participate in these events are touting that these are cultural and heritage, family oriented events. Growing up in PA, I saw serious cruelty imposed on the birds during a carnival, side-show atmosphere.

PA legislators are stalling this bill and allowing a tiny fraction of PA constituents to perpetuate animal cruelties that all other states have banned - long ago.

It's high time that PA joined them...

6:41 PM  

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