AL QAEDA, BEWARE AMERICA'S FIERCE MARINE MAMMALS: Mr. President, we cannot and must not allow a dolphin gap in the war on terror!

Tonight, ABC's Neal Karlinsky acted as pitchman for the US Navy's latest dolphin and pony show.

The Navy's feeling blue and it's important for the service, even its friendliest parts, to make contributions to the war on terror.

"I have the answer!" someone shouted in San Diego and it was decided to ship off some dolphins and sea lions to protect ballistic missile submarines in Hood Canal, WA.

Dolphins would protect the submarines from terrorists, indicated ABC's Karlinsky, paraphrasing the Navy's rationale.

"The animals are trained to alert a handler when they detect anyone in the water," reports AP. "The handler, in a small boat, then places a strobe light on the nose of the animal, which speeds back and bumps the swimmer. The bump knocks light into the water, where it floats to mark the spot for security personnel to intercept the intruder."

Naturally, al Qaeda has no terroristic dolphins although DD once read about one at a Florida theme park who humped a man to death in a novel written by Carl Hiaasen. (That could be said to be terrifying.)

Annoyingly, there is not the slightest inkling al Qaeda has any frogmen either or even poses a faintly validated threat to ballistic missile subs although a few years ago the FBI tried getting some local newsmen to believe so because people with dark skin were said to be hanging out at dive shops. Imagine that!

In any case, dolphins and sea lions were shipped to the Persian Gulf to do their part in the war against Saddam.

Zak the sea lion was the media star then and to this day DD wonders just how the old toothy fisheater is doing. Indeed, Zak was such an amusing icon I turned him into this blog's unofficial mascot.



At the time, the Navy delivered the same jolly boilerplate on the value of marine mammals in the war against enemy frogmen, in this case Saddam's, who didn't show up.

From the Village Voice in 2003:

In a recent pinniped-and-pony show, the navy said Zak would do everything within his aquatic power to keep our ships safe from enemy Islamic frogmen.

Hailing from San Diego, Zak was trained in the navy's marine mammal warrior program, which in the past has focused on the military applications of dolphins. Having keen underwater sight, Zak is said to be excellent at spotting wetsuited troublemakers while on patrol. Zak can raise the alarm, clamp an enemy's leg with a handcuff-like thing attached to a buoy, or even chase a fleeing terrorist onto dry land. Since no enemy frogmen have yet done us harm, there can be no doubt Zak is a highly effective deterrent.

Perhaps because Flipper and Keiko have ruined public taste for cetaceans as tools of humankind, the navy is using a happy face to showcase Bahrain Zak. A photo essay entitled "Zak on Patrol" has been widely distributed, showing pics of the sea lion swimming merrily past a rusty barge and displaying a powerful-looking set of jaws.

Those who protest that a sea lion cannot know he is being set up for combat duty, as an enlisted man would, are just troublemaking grumblers. Historically, there have always been a few in the military who would use any animal in combat if it could be cajoled into taking orders. In World War II, the U.S. launched Project X-Ray, a plan to bomb Japan with kamikaze bats carrying tiny incendiary satchels. The operation collapsed in the testing phase, when the bats went awry and incinerated a military airfield in Carlsbad, New Mexico.

On the navy's Marine Mammal Web page, readers learn that our brave sea lion squad has been trained to tag
mines ... Other scientific papers cited reveal the tale of a sea lion retrieving a depth charge in 1972 and the use of a type of saltpeter in reducing testosterone in male dolphins.

DD thought of snatching a jazzy photo of sub-protecting dolphin off SPAWAR's Marine Mammals Program, but the pics are pretty k-lame.

The site appears to have not been updated in years and the most recent news is a clip from Smithsonian magazine insisting the dolphins did quite the job in the Persian Gulf.

"In March [2003], Kahili, along with eight other dolphins that are a part of the U.S. Navy's Special Clearance Team One, became the first marine mammals to take part in mine-clearing operations in an active combat situation. Together with Navy SEALS, Marine Corps reconnaissance swimmers, explosive ordnance disposal divers and unmanned undersea vehicles, they helped disarm more than 100 antiship mines and underwater booby traps planted in Umm Qasr's port by Saddam Hussein's forces...In fact, the team proved so effective that coalition forces were able to open Umm Qasr to ship traffic, including the British supply ship Sir Galahad loaded with rice and other foodstuffs, only a week after hostilities began." (Gasperini,W. (September 2003) "Uncle Sam's Dolphins," Smithsonian, pp. 28-29.)

Someone please send DD a copy of the mil-dolphin trading card featured in this show. Zak needs company.