Saturday, June 17, 2006

MY WEEKNIGHT WITH ZAKK: It was not cakk.

(From Maximum Guitar magazine, Summer 2006) Zakk invented me to his house for this interview.

"Pardon me, bub, but I'm still a little sleepy from the two quarts of jack and six cases of Lucky Lager last night," said Wylde sheepishly as he opened the door. As fearless sideman to Ozzy Osbourne, Wylde is known as the strongest and fittest man in rock. Wylde's sessions of weightlifting and beer drinking are legendary in the music industry.

Not everyone can pose on a chocolate cupcake.
But showing not a trace of weakness, Wylde's fingers flew as he demonstrated the picking dynamics of his classic heavy metal tunes, transcripts of which you can download on the Maximum Guitar website. The he insisted we go down stairs to pump iron. As we worked our way around the free weights and exer-gym, Wylde mentioned off-handedly that these were the same barbells he had used when pumping up for the pose that was used for the Limited Franklin Mint Edition Zakk Wyle Signature Sculpture.

"But I look like a fool," he growled. "It was supposed to be me on top of a frost-covered mountain with skulls at my feet. Instead it looks like I'm standing on top of chocolate cupcake with white icing."

His cell-phone rang and Zakk answered. "Pardon me, can you give me a couple minutes?" he asked. "I have to take this call from Victor Conte."

That done, we retired to Zakk's living room to watch a selection from his collection of porn videos and to drink beer while reclining in zebra-striped Barcaloungers. Just when I was beginning to feel woozy Zakk suggested we go out for steak. All the naked women and boners had filled him with blood and awakened his hunger for flesh.

Arriving at Steroid Steer House, Wylde order two Belt-Busters, 24 oz. pieces of meat that come free if you can eat them in 30-minutes. We'll not say what I did with mine after fifteen minutes but Wylde was not at all incommoded by his meal and was ready to go out for four more hours of carousing at the gentleman's club of lap-dancers he'd bought as an investment two years ago.

Next month: Slash's two eighteen-wheelers full of guitar gear, a closetful of 300 tophats, and his collection of 30-foot long rock pythons and anacondas.


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