Friday, October 20, 2006

FEDS CHARGE COMPULSIVE PUBLIC MASTURBATOR: Your tax dollar stamps out dirty bomb hoax by icky dolt

DD had been assiduously avoiding stories about the NFL dirty bomb plot all week. But when its clowning perpetrator was named in the Pasadena Star News, it was time for an Internet trawl.

I'm such a card!"Jake J. Brahm, of Wauwatosa, Wis., surrendered to the U.S. Marshal's Service on Friday morning and was scheduled to appear in court in Milwaukee later in the day," wrote the newspaper via AP.

"He was charged in a sealed criminal complaint filed Thursday in Newark, U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie said. One of the seven stadiums allegedly targeted was Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J.

"Christie said Brahm admitted that between September and Wednesday he had posted the same threat about 40 times on various Web sites. Authorities would not discuss how or when they became aware of the postings . . .

"Brahm worked as a grocery clerk at Outpost Natural Foods, a co-op near his house, said Jeremy Layman, assistant store manager. He said Brahm made his shifts on time and was not a concern.

" 'He was a normal guy. That s all we're going to say at this time,' Layman said."

And here we come to know a normal guy as a person who appears to be the same fellow who writes the unique blog, "Jake Brahm Wangs Da Poo."

"I think I spend too much time masturbating," announces the author in the banner. "If I made it public how much I masturbate, maybe I'll cut back some."

This blog fails," admits one post, not particularly perceptively. Yet the author is determined to vociferously inform us he spends a great deal of time in one-handed struggle, a desire -- which to some extent -- will now be fulfilled.

With a vivid and puckish sense of imagined destiny, "Jake Joseph Brahm" also writes: "In 2009, the now full-blown terrorist organization Cryptozoological Liberation Agitators, of which Jake Brahm lead [sic] under the pseudonym Emma Smith, committed a series of heinous terrorist attacks against, among others, the financial district of New York (exploding several car bombs, comprised . . . primarily of ammonium nitrate, and elephant feces), the fashion districts of Los Angelas [sic] (descending nuclear strike, with the help of the now flourishing capitalist North Korea), and the redneck district in Juno, Alaska . . . "

And "[s]ometimes, if I haven't wanged da poo for a few days, a little bit of cum will seep out of my wee-wee when I take a poo-poo," he writes in yet another entry. "This is normal, right?" But maybe not quite so normal as pestering people outside the supermarket.

What should I do today? Post dirty bomb hoaxes to the Internet until I become infamous? Or polish my joint and catalog it in my on-line diary? Decisions, decisions.

With friends like like these. Wouldn't you just know it, he wants to be a rock musician and maybe a music journalist, too.

Maybe he can get together with Huck Fish and swap legal advice.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the dude wrote for online music site Tiny Mix Tapes, too, but it cannot be confirmed.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He did.

10:45 AM  

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